Birth Story

I figured I should write this all down before the sleep deprivation and memory loss really catches up! I'm afraid this turned into a lengthy tome. Read ahead if you want all the details; if not, scroll down and read the post below the pictures.

Friday the 21st, at 14 days late, I was dilated just a fingertip and was told to do a lot of walking. I could feel tightenings in my abdomen that were painless, but started noticing they were happening about every 5 minutes. We had supper, watched a Tim Allen movie to get the laughs (and contractions) going, and headed for bed around 11. I couldn't seem to settle down. Finally I got up to go to the bathroom and realized the contractions were starting to hurt a little. I started timing them and they were 3-4 minutes apart. I remember thinking, "that's weird, they're supposed to start at 7-10 minutes." I had this false hope that I was very close to delivery already, and this was going to be no problem! Little did I know!! We timed awhile and nothing changed, so I told Jeff to go to bed and I would try to sleep out on the couch. I sat there timing contractions, which never really changed all night from 30 seconds long, 2, 3, or 4 minutes apart. They weren't that painful but enough to keep me awake. I dozed in between. I didn't know then this would become a pattern for my entire labor. Sleep, wake, pains, sleep.

By morning they were getting a little worse and a little longer, more like 40 seconds, but still 3-4 minutes apart. I was able to get comfortable at first doing the "Bradley" side-lie, but then that soon hurt worse than standing or kneeling on the bed. Interesting...my pains never did "wrap" from the sides to front like they describe. They were always low and in front.

Around 10:00 I started wanting some reassurance that things were moving. I went in to the birthing center and they checked me...only 2 cms. The head also had not turned to engage into the pelvis. That was disappointing. Even though no one is trying to make you feel that way, you do feel like a wimp if you go in too early! At least now though the midwife and doctor knew how far along I was...they had several other births to work around that weekend too. The midwife told me to do some pelvic rocks and "hula hoops," sets of 50 during contractions, to help move his head down.

So, back home and more of the same, through lunch Saturday, very slowly increasing, but not in a regular pattern. Some contractions were 20 seconds, some 30, some 45, and times in between were 3, 4, 5 and 6 minutes. The longer the wait, the stronger and harder the contraction. The shorter the wait, easier and shorter the contraction. It sort of evened out. The exercises killed, but at least they gave me something else to focus on. I had to kneel on all fours while I did the pelvic rocks, and it was extremely uncomfortable to go from lying down to all fours. Jeff had the genius idea to prop up my head and torso on a stack of pillows in between, and then I could go up on my hands easily and quickly when the contractions came. For each contraction I would alternate pelvic rocks and hula hoops (the hula hoops actually gave some relief.)

I slept in between. Around 3:30 p.m. I wanted to call the midwife. Contractions were 45-60 seconds long and averaging 5 minutes apart. I called her and she told me she wanted to hear me on the phone during a contraction. (Whether or not you can carry on a conversation is a good indicator of how far you are.) I had heard of "adrenalin" stops to labor... nature's way of allowing you to escape danger. This is what happened to me on the phone. I started feeling pressured to produce a strong contraction, and instead had a short, weak one.... only 25 seconds. Of course she said I was not close to transition yet and should wait. I sounded undecided I guess so she told me to call back in 30 minutes. I called back in 20, having had the strongest contraction yet. She told me she only wanted to be cautious because, once in the birthing center, many women become disappointed when they find out they still have a ways to go. I wanted to head over and get settled, though, before the drive over became intolerable. The 15 minute drive over was bad enough! However, by some work of the angels, we had green lights the entire way, except for the two red lights where I had contractions. I remember seeing the people pass, looking bored or nonchalant, and feeling like we were in two different worlds.

We arrived there and hurried inside, because I knew I was due for another contraction. The place looked like Grand Central. An entire family was in the waiting room, and there were two other births occurring. I had a contraction as soon as I passed them, and waited it out by leaning on the stair rail.

It's hard to describe the feeling of a contraction, but it feels like your body is made of glass, and if you move even a muscle you will shatter into a million pieces. I wanted to stay as still as possible and put pressure on something hard with my hands. It's not a sharp pain, but a dull ache that is also intense.

As soon as a contraction passed, the doctor (an absolutely wonderful woman with a calm manner and sense of humor... can't even describe how great both the midwife and doctor were!) checked me and she and the midwife both seemed surprised and happy for me that I was 6 cm. and 90% effaced, and the baby's head was already at 0 station! I was relieved to hear I was getting somewhere! We settled into our room, a homey place with lace curtains and wood laminate floor. I sat in the rocking chair while Jeff and the doctor helped us get settled in...put our sheets on the bed, took out our birthing supplies and baby clothes... stuff we'd need afterward. It seemed unreal to me then that we would need the baby clothes. It just seemed like we were here to get help with a labor.

Things continued pretty much the same way. I liked the rocker, and also tried standing and leaning on Jeff, but standing wasn't as good as a position where I could relax every muscle. I wanted to try propped up sitting on the bed, but we'd forgotten to bring extra pillows, so I told Jeff I would be fine if he drove back to his mom's to get those, plus an extra blanket. While he was gone, I really figured out how to labor. When he returned I told him not to touch me or talk to me, but to just try to get some rest. I was glad he could, as he was falling asleep on his feet and sore from shifting me from position to position. I sat there in the rocking chair, dozing and breathing for hours. I used the exhaustion to help me relax, and looked forward to each period of unconsciousness in between. In a way I was "medicating" myself by checking out between each contraction. When I think about it, having a long and exhausting labor may have been the easiest way. I became too tired to fight the contractions... instead I relaxed everything I could and focused on long, deep breaths that I counted. COUNTING was the way I got through it. The contraction would start and I'd feel panicky. Instead, I focused on breathing to 5. Almost there. Now 10. By 20 or 25 I knew the contraction would peak and start to recede. To me, thinking that I could endure anything for "20 breaths" helped so much. This is what I did for the rest of the labor until transition... stayed in the rocking chair, looked forward to sleeping after the contraction, and counted breaths.

Transition was odd for me. Usually the most painful part, for me it was just the part where I felt like I had to yell. They weren't screams of pain... instead they were like the "kee-ai" yells of martial arts routines. Yelling and keeping my tones low kept me from hurting my throat and helped release the incredible energy. I even kind of had fun in a way with them, saying different things each time. I had about 5 "transition" contractions, and then started feeling them more in the back. After two or three of these, I really started to feel better. Before I felt so "made of glass" that every move was torture, even between contractions, and walking to the bathroom was incredibly slow (muscle at a time! Shift off the bed, take a step...like an arthritic old person!) After transition, I could walk around much more freely. The contractions were much farther apart now, but walking brought them on. Soon they started to feel like I might be able to push at the peak of the contraction. Then the whole thing began to feel like I might be able to push through. The midwife checked me quickly at this point, and told me, "oh, girl, you are ready! You're complete and ready to push." I wanted to try pushing on the bed, but the first one was pretty puny, and waiting for the next seemed like 10 minutes (not sure it was this long). My midwife was completely exhausted, having missed two nights of sleep and having just delivered one baby and transferred another woman to the hospital. She lay down on the bench while we waited for another one. She told me to try pushing on the toilet or birthing stool. The toilet felt good...birthing stool too. At this point, I felt excited and powerful and ready to muscle through it. It was hard at first to remember to hold my breath and bear down. The midwife reminded me to hold my breath and it went much better. The most exciting part was when I was pushing on the toilet and reached down to feel what I thought was a head. But it had a little give. It was actually the bag of waters. That was cool!! Seeing that progress made me even more determined. All this time the midwife and doctor left me alone and let me do my thing, just making suggestions occasionally. For me that was the perfect tactic, because I always felt in control and that I was "doing" this myself, not having something "done" to me. The first push I always seemed to forget how to do it right...by the next, I was better, and the third was the strongest...pushing with the power of the contraction. The fourth was usually hanging onto the end of the contraction and not as productive. Finally I reached down and felt the bag bulging quite a bit. I shouted, "I don't want to tear" and the midwife and Jeff got me on the bed where she could massage the perineum and assist. Grabbing my legs and pushing was hard to do! The last thing you want to do at that point is pull your legs back. However, with coaching from the doctor and midwife, I gradually started pushing that sucker out. All this time I felt totally lucid and part of me was realizing just how unreal and weird this was. They told me they could see his hair...lots of it. The bag of waters was very tough and they snipped it with scissors so they could get a grip on his head and help pull him out. I think with that last push they started to worry about his heartrate. I pushed hard through a contraction and the head was almost there. Stopping right there at the "ring of fire" was no picnic! Then the midwife told me very firmly just to go ahead and get him out, we needed to get him out (I'm assuming because his heartrate dropped). "Even with no contraction?" I asked. "Yes, just push. Now." Her words gave me the guts to do it...she wasn't panicking but just sure it would happen, and so then so was I. I gave it all I had. Having the head out was an incredible relief (and the closest to "cursing" I came...for some reason Jeff was really sure I'd lose it! What I actually said was "Oh, God," but it was an expression of wonder and amazement, not blasphemy!) It's hard to explain, but pushing the rest of that wet, slippery little body out actually felt good. Not just "an absence of pain" but positively good. The midwife and doctor went to work suctioning out his mouth, cleaning him with towels. The first thing I said as he came out was "he looks just like Jeff" and "he has dimples!" In full protest, mouth wide open, I could see two adorable identical dimples on each cheek. He was just beautiful. Actual pushing time was an hour and a half...much quicker than anything else in my puttering labor! The doctor pointed out that there was a loose knot in the cord, but nothing dangerous as the cord has a gel in it that is an automatic "anti-kink" mechanism. Jeff cut the cord, and we waited on the placenta, which came out on its own after a few gentle tugs and pushes on my stomach.

The instructions and observations after that were sort of a blurr to me. I was trying to listen but was so exhausted that I kind of zoned out. I knew Jeff would listen and remember. :) They had put a diaper on him and I was holding him on my chest, skin to skin. That was an amazing feeling. I remember thinking how big he was, to have come out of my belly that everyone kept telling me was unusually small! He was a decent-sized baby at 7 lbs. 11 oz, and had so much dark hair...and I couldn't get over that he was just a "little Jeffrey," just exactly. He showed no signs of postmaturity. He had known exactly when he was supposed to come out! Not wrinkled or shriveled, fingernails not all that long, though the skin on his calves and feet were ever so little bit peeled. He quieted down and opened his eyes a little and the midwife helped me get him nursing. It didn't take long and he was latched on. They left us alone for about an hour and a half, then Jeff went back with the doctor to measure and weigh him. It was so nice having all the equipment right there in the birthing center (which had been a house), and I knew they were just right there behind the curtain.

I had not torn at all, and I really felt ready to go very soon after he was born. The ladies suggested we all sleep a few hours (including them!) so we did. Benjamin was as tired as we were.

That's my birth story. I feel so grateful to the women who knew when to assist and when not to. They kept careful tabs on his heartrate and my progress but stayed out of the way when not needed. I had no doubts that I would be referred to hospital care if it were really necessary, so I didn't worry. My midwife is, if anything, more cautious than most OBs would be. She first noticed Benjamin's arrhthymia, and did not hesitate to refer me to Greenville Memorial to see if the heart structure was normal. After he was born, she again checked him out carefully, listening for a long time, then sent us home with instructions to watch him while he slept for signs of slowed heartbeat...blue around the lips for example, and to nudge him to get the heartrate going stronger (it evens out when he is active). She scheduled us for an echocardiogram later this week to investigate it further. I feel like we had such competent, personal and wise care.

We finally left the birthing center around 7 p.m. Sunday night...he had been born at 8:18 Sunday morning, and my entire labor (beginning from the first painful contractions) had been almost 33 hours.

The whole birth experience is already starting to seem unreal. But it was and is a positive, empowering experience. I took responsibility for the experience I wanted and the care I felt was best, and that does feel good. I can look back and see God's hand in all this. Jeff was the prime tool of God in us switching...he was sick of hearing me complain about the care I had been getting in what, to me, was a large and impersonal practice. The day we were to meet and hire a duola for our hospital birth, Jeff had the flu. Frustrated at missing this chance and the path things seemed to be taking, I could see no other option. Jeff said suddenly it was clear to him that we should just take the trip down and go with the midwife (before we thought distance was a problem). The distance suddenly didn't seem as big a problem as the problem I had with our current doctors! At the time we switched we had no clue about the arrhythmia or that I'd go so far postdates. Induction and possible drugs were not what I'd wanted, but would have surely been what we'd have gotten. God used circumstances and Jeff's wisdom to help us make the decision at the right time, and with minimal inconvenience...only a few drives down for prenatals before Benjamin's birth.

Praise God for all He's done and how good He's been to all of us. We give the glory back to Him for the little life He created and the wonderful birth experience He allowed us to have.

Pictures

Benjamin has arrived!

Benjamin Thomas Gray was born Sunday, Sept. 23rd, at 8:18 in the morning. He weighs 7 lbs. 11 oz, and is 21 unches long. It was a long labor...almost 33 hours, but worth every minute. I had a wonderful birth experience and will write about it as soon as I get a chance! Benjamin looks just like Jeff...dark hair and dimples.
We are so thankful for a beautiful, healthy baby boy!

I'm a little slow in posting pictures right now, so if you want to see some, Jeff's posted some on his blog.

Early Labor

It's started...the pains aren't bad yet but uncomfortable enough that I can't sleep. It figures that they started close to midnight. I guess my doctor and midwife are not going to get a lot of rest! It feels a lot better if I sit up or walk around...lying down makes it worse.

It's weird to me that the contractions are still 4-5 minutes apart. The only difference is that they hurt now. I had been having painless contractions every 5 minutes while walking around the neighborhood. We came in, had dinner and watched a funny movie, then slowly headed to bed. I tried to read awhile, but couldn't focus and was feeling talkative. I got up to get some water and realized the contractions were starting to hurt. I am so glad l we don't have a 2 hour drive ahead of us!

It is nice that nature gives you a break in between contractions. In between, there is really no pain and I feel fine.

It may be a while so Jeff is trying to sleep. I'm hoping he can get some rest in the next hour or two.

Finally some progress!

I was totally prepared to list my reasons against induction and have a serious of talk about things, but it ended up being much easier than I thought. Before I had to say a word the doctor that works with my midwife told us that, looking at my charts and considering everything, she thought it best to wait. The check showed 2 cms. dilated and the baby's head much farther down. She did strip my membranes (didn't hurt like I thought it would) and I got some "show" afterward...a good indication. The arrhythmia didn't show up today in the non-stress-test, and everything is looking really good. And the headache I've had for the last few days is almost gone (after I got some caffeine in my system from Port City Java.)
So it's looking like we'll have a baby pretty soon! I'm supposed to do some walking and see what happens. It's good news that, just two days ago, I was less than a cm. and now I'm at 2. Also I'm having more contractions this morning than I've had all week. They don't hurt yet, but seem more regular.
Honestly my worst fears were 1) having to decide about induction and 2) getting the prospect of waiting another whole week! I'm relieved that it looks like neither of those is going to happen.
Thank you so much for your prayers up to now.

2 weeks overdue

Two weeks overdue today, but I just can't bring myself to be panicked for Benjamin's health when he's moving like a little jumping bean! Every time I eat something he goes crazy. I feel fine, Benjamin seems fine, so just because it's the magical "2 weeks" date I want to be careful not to be panicked to get things started. Caucasian women tend to carry longer than 40 weeks. In France, the length of pregnancy is considered 42 weeks.
I've been told that "I would already have my baby by now" if I were at a hospital. Well, maybe so and maybe not. I have heard enough stories of 36-hour failed inductions when the cervix is not a good way there already. It's not unheard of for women to come back for three all-day sessions of Pitocin, only to have nothing happen (except a lot of unnecessary pain). I might have my baby by now, yes, but it might be because the doctors got tired of waiting and performed a C-section.
My thinking is that, if there is no emergency, why let a passing date dictate what you do? I meet with my doctor and midwife tomorrow to discuss moving things along. If there are no medical reasons to induce (aging placenta, low fluid levels, preclampsia), then I see no reason to interfere. The interventions themselves carry risks. Cytotec, the ulcer drug that is used off-label for induction, is not approved by the FDA and has caused uterine rupture (and maternal and fetal death in some cases). In fact, the producer of the drug issued an official warning against using it for induction, but it is still used because of its low cost and quick results. Cervidil is a better choice but carries the same small risks of uterine rupture. Pitocin, unlike the other two, can be more easily regulated...but then again it only causes contractions, doesn't soften the cervix, so it may not work if the cervix is not already ripe.
I am open to doing another ultrasound to see if all is still well in there. I keep thinking...if my date of conception was a bit later than we thought, and I tend to be a longer carrier, Benjamin might just be right on time.

update

13 days late and still no baby, but had an appointment this morning & found out I am a fingertip dilated, the head is lower, and the cervix is much thinner.
We've tried just about all the "natural" labor stimulants, (including eating a whole pineapple!) We've tried the evening primrose oil for 6 days in a row now. Today my midwife told me to take a mixture of black & blue cohosh every 20 minutes, pump, and go for a walk. I'm supposed to call back in 3 hours to report any changes. If this doesn't work, we'll try the castor oil, and if that fails, a ripening agent.
I hope this works!

Monday "blues"

Day 11: Today I'd think this whole pregnancy thing has been a hoax, except for the little feet sticking out of my side occasionally and the feeling of heaviness. This morning was cool and crisp...one of those first days that hint at fall and beckon you outside. I took a long walk in the neighborhood, following the road that winds back through quiet residences nestled far back in the trees. There are some woods and fields and a lake. Beautifully varied morning glories in hues of baby blue, purple and lavender cover the old fence by someone's donkey pasture. There were little white flowers in the shade with a camphor-like perfume. Yellow bitterweed added sunshine to the shadows, and I found a ripe persimmon, just fallen. A huge ugly vulture circled over, maybe wondering if this lone, slow-moving pregnant lady was going to topple over anytime soon! Not today...I was feeling too full of the glory of creation and the life inside. This feeling of peace has to be supernatural...probably a result of many prayers!
I called in this morning to cancel my piano lessons. Jeff's working on design stuff for work and I'm going to settle down with a book. Reading internet stories of late babies and hearing that Jeff was 12 days late have made me realize I'm not the only one. I do understand how some people can say that "an overdue pregnancy is the worst form of mental torture" and I'd probably feel that way if I were at home alone, but as it is having a change of scenery and seeing friends and family have helped so, very much. I feel supported and loved, and not rushed to produce a baby.
To contrast peaceful feelings now, I was pretty depressed driving up to Greenville. I'd finished my teaching week, made final arrangements at the house, and now we wouldn't come back again unless we came with a baby. I'm not sure why that bothered me, but maybe it was sort of saying "goodbye" to life as just me and Jeff. As it turns out I'm enjoying being here and the stress gone from not worrying about a 2-hour drive is pretty significant.
In conclusion, God is good and I'm feeling at peace with my body and with Benjamin. After all he's healthy and kicking. He's just not quite ready to meet the world, and I'm sure he and God have their reasons. When it's time, it will happen, just like the beautiful fall weather that arrived today.

thoughts

Just wondering if anyone else remembers experiencing this. For the last week or so I've had strong Braxton Hicks after dinner. I get excited thinking "maybe tonight" but they go away once I lie down, and by morning not a trace!

Thinking we'd have a baby by now Jeff and I didn't pack any Sunday clothes. Maybe we'll spend the morning praying for Benjamin and the upcoming birth and just enjoying some quiet time together. With all my impatience, I realize we're going to miss being just us soon. It will be harder to make time to just talk or pray together.

It is comforting to know God's been control of when we conceived, Benjamin's health and growth, and everything else from the beginning of this pregnancy. I'm trying not to be a control freak and obsess about which day He's chosen us to become parents.

I said goodbye to my parents tonight...they leave first thing in the morning. I'm sorry they didn't get to meet the baby but maybe it's just as well, as they'd just have had a lot of nerve-wracking waiting to do if I had gone into labor and not much to do to help.

I hope to be able to post some news soon. :)

...

Still waiting! I think he really wants to share my parents' anniversary or Dayton's birthday.

Update

Still waiting! Last night I thought it might be the real thing, since after dinner I was having some pretty strong Braxton Hicks, but they went away and this morning I'm feeling fine.

Yesterday at my appointment I found out I am not dilated at all (it is normal to walk around for a couple of weeks dilated 1-2 cm, but not me!). The arrhythmia was especially pronounced yesterday, so the midwife called in an ultrasound to check on that, measure amniotic fluid and check the placenta grade. The placenta ages after a time and becomes less efficient at nourishing the baby. Again they said the heart structure seems normal, and though they couldn't get an entirely good look at the aorta because his ribs were obstructing the view, the overall report was reassuring. They hooked me up to the fetal monitor for a long time to observe the heartrate. Again they said the results were as expected, and also told me I was having some light contractions. Apparently I can't feel them! The heart structure is normal, but the nervous system is not yet regulating the beats perfectly. It should disappear shortly after birth, but we'll have it checked out afterward if not. The amniotic fluid levels were normal, and placenta grade was good. They estimated his weight at 7 lbs, 13 oz. There is not really a question that my dates are wrong. He's just taking an extra week or so to be ready.

I'm taking evening primrose oil, which can sometimes move things along.

We're staying here in Greenville for the next few days with Jeff's mom, since Jeff is working from home. My parents are here since they can't visit after this Saturday night. I'll spend some time with them while Jeff works.

We are praying that Benjamin will come before Sunday, for so many reasons...parents being here, friends leaving the country Monday, and the dilemma of deciding whether to go back to Atlanta or not. I get 4 weeks off and would hate to waste one just waiting. If nothing is happening by Sunday night, I will feel like I need to go back and teach another three days. It would be nice not to have to do that! :)

Come on, kid.

Benjamin's taking his sweet time, which everyone tells me is normal for a first baby. I'm only three days late, but it doesn't take long to start thinking "what if I have two more weeks of this??" Sitting in church today was very uncomfortable. I didn't play for the church choir...since this was probably my last Sunday for a while, I was looking forward to sitting with Jeff. But I'd forgotten how hard it is now to sit still for any length of time. Benjamin's legs were pushing on my ribs and I really wanted to stand up or stretch out on a couch.

I went to a shower for Andrea Barnard, a grad school friend, two days after my due date. That made me feel better. If you're overdue and feeling decent, get out and do things. I was driving myself crazy just sitting around the house waiting for something to happen!

I'm actually kind of thankful that I have to teach tomorrow...it will keep my mind occupied. I am praying that Benjamin will not be later than the 15th. My mom really wants to come up to Greenville shortly after the birth, and my aunt will be gone the 16th & unable to relieve her from taking care of my grandma. However, this too is in God's hands...He knows best. And in any case, I am thankful for the miracle that's about to happen, whenever it happens. :)

Due date come and gone

Today was the big day, but nothing yet! At my appointment they told me the baby had descended, so at least things are on track.

We're all packed and ready....when we went to Greenville last Monday we brought the suitcase along, just in case. :)

I'm still feeling pretty good, though having trouble sleeping. I must have waked up 6 or 7 times, either too hot, or getting up to go to the bathroom, or rearranging pillows to try to get comfortable. Someone told me this is nature's way of getting you ready for nights with a newborn!

Since he has to drive an hour and a half to work, Turner is allowing Jeff to work from home until I deliver. That is a real blessing, since this way we will be able to leave right away when we need to.

Any day now...